the truth

Friday, March 7, 2008

2:09 AM | 2 Comments

people have always warned others against knowing the truth, that some things are better left unknown.

if the truth hurts it's always better to bury it and never let it surface again. then you will be happy. then nothing can harm you.

i wish i was so easily satisfied.

i'm the worst digger you would ever meet. i would dig regardless if it's raining or sunny. even if i have to use my own hands until it's bloody and scarred. because i have to know the truth, nothing but the truth.

and so i found out about the lies.

about the things happening behind my back,

about the deceitful acts,

about the truths that were denied blatantly in front of me. until this very day.

it is heartbreaking...when the most cruel reality slowly unravels infront of you.

that he was a pathological liar. and for all these time i've chosen to believe in the lies because they were sugar-coated with other lies. i chose to ignore the tears i cried every week. i chose to keep quiet about his lies even though i knew about them.

all because i truly believed that he would never hurt me intentionally.

it has now left me bitter and lost,

for i no longer know what is true.

the early naps were probably late night outings with the multiple hers...

the lack of money was probably cause it was used on the outings...

the hardworking image was probably a fake to create hope...

the caring nature was probably an act to induce sympathy...

and the love i felt was perhaps... never love.

i've been manipulated from the very start.

but this is what i needed to know, even if it's painful and suffocating, even if it would cost me my self-confidence, even if it would result in tears for endless nights, i have to know.

because then, i can finally let go.






p/s: mas, i'm not suicidal =.=

this post is a closure to all the drama that took place last month...i know my previous post made those close to me very worried. this is the latest update about the relationship...and it will also be the last of it.
it was painful to type this post...so people who read this..please spare me the trip down memory lane again. i appreciate your concerns, but a mortal heart can never bear to relive the memories again and again. i love all of you who came for me. i really do. but just give me time to let go slowly...i may feel worthless and ugly now...but i'll be ok. i will be :)

in the end

Sunday, January 27, 2008

1:04 AM | 1 Comments

it was a twisted fairy-tale...

no happy ending...no happily ever after.

there was screaming,

crying,

and blood.

and then there was silence....for everything died on that saturday.

............................................

nothing is worth the effort.



in the end, everyone lies...



in the end, everyone is selfish...



and at the very end... you'll be left alone bitter and scarred.

life is getting sadder by the minute

Monday, November 19, 2007

6:18 PM | 4 Comments

sorry if i scared you with my previous post.

a girl can be emo. tee hee.

internship is gonna end in another week! (SO HAPPY!)

throughout these 3 months i've seen and learn alot from both places. what really upsets me is the politics at work =.=

there were complaints about me being LCLY and not doing my job.

DAMN SPEECHLESS.

there was a big hoo haa and i thank god people who know me realized that that statement could never be me.

just damn disappointed with the one who started this. i wander what's wrong with the fella =.=

let's hope there's karma.

now i'm interning full time in my uni's clinic for the last few weeks and the patients are streaming in...which means workload is increasing *stress*

so far i've had the chance to assess brain injury patients and children too. which gives me a better perspective of what i'm getting into in the future. it also helps polish up my knowledge on things because i have to read up on things like brain anatomy, the functions of amygdala, hippocampus..etc, which lobe controls speech, what kind of children disorders are there...yada yada.

it's overwhelming.

i feel like my life has been filled up with brains and scary kids these past few weeks T___T

NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

i wanna go SEXPO like suelin or dress up for halloween parties like joey!

i know work life is also life but it still feels like i have no life anymore.

you get what i mean? :(

I AM YOUNG AND FULL OF ENERGY BUT GLUED TO AN OFFICE CHAIR!

sangat sad.

and when i'm sad i go for retail therapy.

which leads me to my next problem...

i'm broke :(

which leads me to my solution...

i'm working in december. in starhill for a watch and jewellery exhibition.

ENDLESS STREAM OF WORK~

i need sayang :'(

i broke down in the hallway...

Sunday, November 18, 2007

6:45 PM | 2 Comments

i stared longingly at my mom's car as she drove off towards the distance.

the familiar scent of her car reminded me of home.

at that moment, i just wanted to jump into her car when she passed me my office keys.

i want to go home.

so badly that i could feel my nose turning sour.

my vision started to blur and i could hear myself sobbing.

quickly, i turned and walked back towards the foyer.

breezing through the hallway, my head was down the whole time, trying to avoid eye-contact with the people i passed by.

if anyone saw me now they must think that i'm insane, clutching a bunch of keys with teary eyes.

my day started off wrong since 1 a.m.- the very 1st hour of today.

and here i am sitting in my office feeling dead and tired.

and emo.

i hope it's the hormones,

or maybe the cut on my feet,

perhaps the sleepless night,

not forgetting the never ending work load and politics,

and the bucket of tears i shed every week.

maybe it's just me... losing grip.

to dad and mom, with love

Friday, October 26, 2007

11:29 PM | 6 Comments

is it really rewarding to have kids?

people always say that having kids might be the most wonderful experience in this whole world.

i wonder how much of that statement is true?

you feel overwhelmed when the doctor tells you that you're going to have a baby;

you get excited when the baby first kicks;

you bask in happiness when you finally cradle that tiny life form in your arms, knowing that it's part of you;

knowing that one day the baby will grow up to be just like you.

all these, so exhilirating and promising.

but i wonder how it feels...

when you first realize that your child refuses to hold your hands anymore?

when you first notice that your child is ashamed to kiss you in front of others?

when your child tells you he hates you because you won't let him hang out late with his friends?

or the lonely feeling that swallows you, when your child rathers spend time with her new boyfriend than to go to the mall with you?

honestly, i think it's difficult. it's heart-breaking.

to be given such an amazing gift, a sparkle in your life. only to know that it the light will dim someday.

and that, one day, when you least expect it, you will have to learn to let go.

that you can't protect that tiny life form you cherished so much anymore,

because now it's too big and it has its own opinions.

it doesn't want your protection anymore.

ungrateful bastards we are,

aren't we?

i feel sorry for the way i've treated my parents sometimes.

deep down inside i really love them, i hope they know that.

but sometimes, it's just so much easier to say it out in a blog than to tell them about it.

it is, so much easier here.

wednesday morning

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

7:07 PM | 3 Comments

it's 9 in the morning and i'm starring at the computer screen in my uni.

AND IT'S MY BLARDY OFF DAY!

so miserable *cries*

and my supervisor is off somewhere being interviewed by some tv station.

he forgot his appointment with me :'(

i want my BED.

GIVE ME MY BED. *pulls hair*


someone please inject endorphines into me!
i need to be happy and awake :(


9.15 a.m still brooding


9.30 a.m. blog-hopping


9.45 a.m. Jesse's telling me to stop moaning.


10 a.m. moan. stares at screen. bangs head on table.


10.30 a.m. still no news from supervisor. *sulks*


luckily, i found something entertaining-

introducing CAPTAIN MAMULA~!

he's the evil Hawaiian dictator that's controlling our country.

i adore him to bits. super super cute fella.

if you haven't read kenny sia's post One Big Fat Freaking Conspiracy, you really should.

we're being controlled by ALIENS!

the truth is out there.
*inserts eerie music*


here's something else that's entertaining:




HAHAHA. laugh with me :p

was just talking with jesse about xmas - huge trees, beautiful decos, holidays and not to forget prezzies!


i hope i'll get the money to go to s'pore for xmas this year end :/ *fingers crossed*

pizza hut's new scheme

Thursday, October 18, 2007

3:54 AM | 3 Comments

apparently pizza hut came up with a new idea to attract more customers. i was ordering pizza for dinner 5 minutes ago and this was the phone conversation:

pizza hut: hello!

me: hello!

pizza hut: thank you for calling pizza hut, you're calling from the number 78757***.

me: yep!

pizza hut: HEHEHE. i'm a bomoh.

WTH.

me: huh?

bomoh: ms chua, your address is yada yada...2 story terrace house. NGEK NGEK.

me: er....

bomoh: may i have your order please?

me: yada yada...and chicken wings.

bomoh: original or spicy?

me: original

bomoh: good choice!

major SWT.

me: u-huh...

bomoh: are you a muslim?

i thought he just called me ms chua =.="

me: what's your guess?

bomoh: hhmm...don't think so.

OBVIOUSLY.

me: ya, good guess.

bomoh: but you sound like a muslim.

me: you mean i have a malay slang?

bomoh: YES! YES!

OMG.

me: haha....

bomoh: OK! BYE BYE!

me: HUH? WAIT! how much!?

bomoh: Rm34.35.

me: OK, thanks, bye.

bomoh: i'll see you soon!

WTF.

me: haha...bye.

bomoh: bye bye! I will miss you!

me: haha....OK.

i waited for 10 seconds and the scary dude was still on the line!

me: er...bye bye.

bomoh: hehehe, byebye~

and then i hung up on him.


i wonder if pizza hut's business is so bad until they have to hire bomohs to work for them these days =.="

About

animals. dancing. food. friends. shopping. travelling. all the things she likes. and everything about her.