i hate this part right here

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

8:12 AM | 3 Comments

i hate that i'm being forgotten.

i hate that i'm so insecure.

i hate that i let you define me.

i hate that i feel so helpless when i'm alone.

i hate that every sense of happiness slips away so quickly after one day.

i hate that we can never reach a consensus.

lost. that's how i feel now.

bitter and lost.

an answer. is all i need.

just one word. to make me feel safe again.


i hate myself now.







... all we do is linger...
...slipping through my fingers...

goodbye

Monday, May 18, 2009

2:43 AM | 5 Comments

... seems to be the hardest word.

i'm bidding my freedom goodbye.

i'm bidding my afternoon naps goodbye.

i'm bidding my bumming ass goodbye.

missy is officially starting work as off tomorow =)

I'll be working in an mnc company located in Kota Damansara. not going to disclose too much information here but i'll tell you if we happen to meet up/catch up :D

working hours are from 9 to 6. i can no longer sleep at 3 am and wake up at 2 pm. finally my life is in order again. aaahhh.

it's funny how i've been looking forward to get a job, to feel productive or to feel as if i'm occupied. this one year of bumming has made me restless, aimless and lonely...since everyone else is busy with work, except for me =(

but now that everything is confirmed and i'm starting work tomorrow, i feel...reluctant.

VERY reluctant to leave my comfy zone.

i wonder if everyone feels the same when they started their first job?

suddenly i miss uni life so much.

no more blackberry or iphone days for me.
the pay was good.
damn it.
sigh.

i'll try to update about my aussie trip when i can, preparing to party my last night of freedom for now :p

letting go...eventually

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

9:28 PM | 6 Comments


因为太在意你， 结果失去了自己。。。
我决定放手了。。。让自己再呼吸

let me let go this time, will you? =)

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now that i've got that off my chest, here's a little update about what i've been reading lately.


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adorable sial right!??

i bought this book before i boarded the plane to aussie. thought it would make a good companion during sleepless nights or long bus rides but have only gotten about to read it after i got back.

the movie arrived in the cinemas earlier last month and i watched it before i read the book.

needless to say, i cried during the movies.

i started tearing before john even reached the part where marley collapsed for the last time in the book because i knew what was coming.

my heart thawed and i dreaded to flip to the next page.

the book is still on the table where i left it. it was difficult...but i've already braced through the part where he had to let marley go. next, would be chapters of loss and grief.


sigh.


we, humans, are surprisingly vulnerable when it comes to our pets.

i'm not sure if i have the courage to do the same when the time comes.

maxine has been with me for 5 years now...this year will be the sixth =/

when maxine first came i used to keep a diary to record her everyday activities, these were the first two entries...original and unedited:

"Nov 29, 2003, 3:31 PM

Bought maxine home on the 26th, little fella simply pee and poo make me mop the floor the whole day. At night that time she cried like there's no tomorrow and this continued for another night until my pa came up with a method to keep her quiet( just hit her house with a loud 'KONG" then she'll keep queit, at least for a while till she gets the message)

Now's the 3rd day maxine's been here. lil fella likes to explore everywhere and she learnt how to climb the stairs but doesn't know how to come back down.
her left hind leg is limping a bit. i'm afraid she might have hurt her leg when she tried to jump up and down the stairs.
Took her to the vet but the vet said that she's perfetly fine and asked me to observe her for another week. will be bringing her back to the vet for her 2nd jab next week.

Maxine also loves to sleep on my thighs or in between my thighs when i sit with my legs crossed, guess that she wants some body warmth. but most of the time she'll just sit on the marble floor, wonder if it's ok for her to sleep on something so cold?
and she loves to eat newspapers too, which i think is kind of like a big problem."


haha omg i can't believe i used to write like that when i was in form5!! and lol my dad used to "KONG" her...no wonder she doesn't like to sleep in the house =/

anyway, here's entry 2:


"Dec 1, 2003, 11:45 AM


Maxine finally peed at the right place!! wa....after all these days training her now i feel so proud. accidents still happen but whenever we sit beside the newspaper and say 'potty' she'll come over and do her 'business'.

later, i'm gonna bring the lil fella to have her 1st bath after a whole week! we couldn't bath her for a week cause the doc told us not to.

lil maxine still cries in the night. maybe cause she wanted to poo but she didn't wanna do it in her house. so tonight i might be camping downstairs with her so i can let her out to poo and put her back to sleep. hope this works cause my parents haven't been getting any sleep lately.

After being with her this few days, i found out that my lil fella has 4 type of modes:-

1st is the explore mode, she'll walk and climb all over the house and sniff sniff everywhere. Whenever she walks around she'll turn round n c if i'm following, then she continues running around.wonder wat this means? (hide and seek gua...)

2nd is the lick mode, she'll lick ANYTHING. toes, fingers, floors, carpets...u name it.hope all the licking won't upset her stomach though. especially licking floors...

3rd is the bite mode, she'll bite anything she walks into: fingers, toes, her own house, carpets. i think she might be changing her teeth so i gave her my teddy bear to bite.

last but not least- the sleep mode. Whenever she's sleeping NOTHING can wake her up, not even food. guess all the playing and exploring had worn her out.

the lil fella's sleeping downstairs now while i'm typing away hehe, better go check on her."


LOL!!
i was so noble i gave her my teddy bear to bite!! xD
the diary was written in the most simple and straight forward manner. makes me sound like some 3rd grader. iiisssshhh.

i posted the entries in a puppy forum and later on saved them into notepad files. these were the photos taken during then.

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chang chang~!!
in case you didn't know, her full name is Maxine Chua Soo Chang.
yesh, she's family =)

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she did this alot when she first came. now she's just too big to balance on my thighs lah. sad.

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my teddy bear.


omg, i luuuuurve her to bits la. *sQuISSHHH*

i know the day will be inevitable...so i'll make sure that for now we will create many many happy memories together =)

lil fella is sleeping downstairs now, gonna go check on her ;)

a random conversation

Thursday, April 9, 2009

11:17 PM | 5 Comments

i've been trying to put off blogging for quite a while because it scares me everytime i open my photos folder and see like 1000++ photos and i don't know which one to upload and where to start T___T

but now that it's raining outside, it reminded me of an entry that i actually wrote on a rainy night in Sydney.



- 8 March 2009 -


it was drizzling when we decided to head out.

we were cruising down the roads of Sydney's city slowly, the amount of rain fluctuated now and then with every few blocks.

soon, it turned into a downpour.

what a night to visit the harbour bridge.

after we parked, ju came out with the brilliant idea to use the car shade as an umbrella. the moment we jumped out of the car, both of us held on to the sides of the shade and hurried down the steps to the nearest restaurant that overlooked the harbour.
with the huge shade opened above our heads, it looked as if we were parasailing...on ground.

the place ju chose was perfect. with only the restaurant upstairs operating, the spot where we decided to dock was closed and empty.

the shade we used was left on the table to dry while we were busy trying to snap pictures of the ghostly looking opera house and harbour bridge. by now the rain was so heavy it created a silverish silhouette around both buildings.

things looked so different at night. i was used to seeing postcards and visiting these places during the day that i had no idea it would look so captivating at night. ju said it lookes even more so because of the heavy rain.

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the best shots i got with my cacat-ed camera during the rain.


the wind at the harbour was blowing so fiercely we were both splattered with rain. it was impossible to walk back to the car. there was a point where the wind blew so strongly that the shade escaped both our grips... and smacked ju squarely in the face.

i was still babbling on when i abruptly realized that ju's face was momentarily replaced with a car shade.

poor ju ju.

as we sat there and chatted, a friendly old guard came to check on us. he knew that we were stuck there because of the rain and allowed us to stay on until the storm blew over.

guard: "Not locals aren't you? Where are you from?"

me: "Malaysia! Have you been there?"

guard: "No no, not much travellin. What is it like?"

me: "It's a tropical country, not as cold as aussie"

ju: "She's not used to the weather here, and it's raining."

guard: " LOL! are you very cold??"

by now it felt like i was stuck in a freezer and every gust of wind stung my skin.

me: " It's cold. VERY." *shivers*

guard:" Aahhh...I know why.

huh?

it's because your boyfriend is far away from you."

and with that, he chuckled and continued his rounds.


what a heart-wrenching way to put it.


i like random conversations with random people. it gives you a whole new perspective sometimes.

i am feeling empty.

and i think i will be, for quite a while.


- imm @ 2 a.m. -

flying solo

Sunday, March 1, 2009

5:59 AM | 4 Comments

i is leaving the country.

i is going to kangaroo land.

i is going to be very homesick :'(


i'll be flying alone to Sydney this coming wednesday... and i don't know when i'll be back... yet.


that's because i'm still undecided. haih.


it was initially a 10 day trip to Sydney but now missy is given a choice to go to Adelaide and Melbourne as well.


5-15th Sydney

15th-19th Adelaide

19th-22nd Melbourne


how ah?

do you think I'll make it without dashing home by the 15th cause I'm too homesick??


too many things have happened these few months, it makes me want to take refuge at home... but I've been looking forward to this trip for so so long.


everything also wrong timing eh? :(


i need the courage to step out...
so. badly.

how to fight a crocodile

Thursday, February 5, 2009

7:26 AM | 5 Comments

i looooove conversations like this because they will always lead to the most bizzare answers.

we were having a little gathering today in 1u's Seoul Garden when suddenly someone mentioned about sharks in Australia and we started investigating how to fight for your life if it attacked you.

the answer was simple,

jab the eye.

hello?? the fella so thick skin how to fight??! the eye is the most vulnerable spot right?

jason: *happily* so if you're being chased by a shark you faster poke the eye right??

me: NO. if it's CHASING you YOU RUN!! jab only when it catches you! =___=

kelvyn: then what about crocodiles? you jab the eye too?

jason and i: YA. same ma! another thick skin fella.

kelvyn: what if it closes it's eyes and bite you???



dot dot dot.




YA HOR.



bryan: then the crocodile very clever lor.

jason: must have did research before it attacked. all the friends kena poke eye ball HAHA.


WTH.


bryan: what if it bites your arm?? how to poke??

kelvyn: USE YOUR FEET.


OMG.


jason: can meh??

kelvyn: make sure you wear sandals so can use your toes ma.


ZOMG.


me: but don't they usually attack your lower torso first? crocodiles not very tall creatures leh.

bryan: what if your hand and feet also can't use???

jason: that only leaves you with the head right??


SUDDENLY... everyone became quiet and started to formulate an answer.



kelvyn: ... you lick the eye balls.




*STUNNED*




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LICK THE EYE BALLS?????????




LIKE WTH??????????? ^%$&#@!**(~!$%%%??


that. sounds. SO. WRONG.


jason: OMG.

kelvyn: then the crocodile will think you want to eat him.

bryan: then it will faster run from you right HAHA.



i think the poor crocodile would be traumatized.


omg i just love this people so much la. my life would be incomplete without all our stupid conversations haha. they are my best stress-relief anytime anywhere =) *gives ultramegasuperhugzz*

night fall

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

7:53 PM | 0 Comments

it's midnight. the streets are dead.

not a sound in the air.

where are all the roaring engines and constant barkings?
everything is so still it scares me.

the fan and lights are off, it's so quiet that i can hear my grandma's steady breathing right next to me.

i turned and looked at the ceiling, focusing on the long dim lines casted by the street lamps.


nights like this makes me afraid to sleep alone.

i am tired but i can't drift off to sleep. my mind is blank and empty, yet it won't go to rest.
i feel so non-existant that it's as if i've blended into the silence of the night.


i am locked in a cage, there's nothing to distract me...there's no one to turn to.

long hours would pass before i could finally sleep.
but the thin ray of light that comes through my window would cause my eye lids to flutter and i would sigh at the sight of a new dawn.


it's another day.


and fear washes over me...as i know that night would come again.

About

animals. dancing. food. friends. shopping. travelling. all the things she likes. and everything about her.